6 Ways to Sooth Those Marriage Bumps

Marriage, or any committed relationship, has the ability to bring excitement and passion into our lives. At the same time however, as the relationship progresses and more roadblocks and perpetual issues arise, we may begin to feel distant from our partner.

Think back to when you first began your current relationship.....

It's likely that you believed you had found the answer to life's problems, you'd found a partner to share in life's journey, you'd never again be alone, and it would be smooth sailing from here on out. It's equally likely that if your relationship was based on these assumptions, it wasn't long before you were sorely disappointed that your partner failed to live up to your expectations.

Here's a truism for Simple Marriage: if you look to another person to provide fulfillment, you will begin to focus on the failings of that person as the cause of your own disappointment.

In every important relationship, you've brought your own legacy of fears, anxieties, and unresolved problems - so has your partner. As the relationship progresses, it's often uncomfortable to come to terms with your own baggage. So much so, that when you're unable to look within yourself, you'll attribute the problems to your partner rather than accepting the fact that your partner is just being themselves and likely has the best of intentions.

Whenever you're uncomfortable about something your partner says or does, it helps to realize that your discomfort may derive from a source you've yet to examine within yourself - a control issue, a jealousy, an insecurity or fear, etc.

This is part of your growing up - becoming emotionally mature. One key to emotional maturity involves the art of self-soothing.
When you blame your partner for your discomfort, this tends to create distance within an emotionally committed relationship. This distance then, creates a feeling of further discomfort. The trick to dealing with this dilemma is to learn how to soothe your own emotional pain.

Which in turn, can open the way to more passion and closeness in your relationship.

Here's a few suggestions that will help:

1. Don't take your partner's behavior personally.

Even if your partner doesn't make all the changes you've made, don't take it personally. If you and your partner are having a conflict, try some inwardly focused relaxation techniques. Focus on your breathing. Stop talking and try to slow your heart rate. Lower the volume of your speech and work on relaxing your body. In other words, you take care of you.

2. Keep the current conflict in perspective.

Think about past instances of the same type of conflict. What resources did you use in the past for dealing with the conflict? Think about how discomfort will surface again in the future - and if you learn now how to deal with it, you will be better off in these future instances.

3. Control your behavior, even if you can't regulate your emotions.

While you may have difficulty in controlling your emotions, especially in the face of a conflict, you can have control over your behavior. Prevent yourself from saying and doing things that you will regret later. Tell yourself: "I don't have to take action on my feelings."

4. Stop the negative thinking.

Thoughts drive your feelings and behavior. When you find yourself engaged in negative thinking, make the change to more positive thoughts. Accept what is happening - then calm down.

5. You may have to break contact temporarily with your partner until things cool down.

When you are engaged in a conflict, you may need some time to get in touch with your self again. Look on this as a time-out, not a separation. Tell your partner that you need some time alone to calm down and that you can discuss the issue better later, after both of you have had some space from each other.

6. Self-soothing does not involve substance abuse, the abuse of food, or emotional regression.

You need time to confront yourself and understand what your part in the conflict may be. This does not mean hiding out, sleeping, binge-eating, or the use of drugs or alcohol, which are all ways to avoid self-confrontation.

The ability to validate your own perceptions, feelings, and self-worth, and soothe your own heartache and anxiety when the inevitable marital disappointments, frustrations, and misunderstandings occur opens the door for the relationship, and both of you, to experience more. Your "relationship with yourself" determines how you'll handle the good and bad times of life.

Paradoxically, the better you are at soothing and validating yourself, the less you need your partner to "be there" for you and the more you can "be there" for others. Likewise, you can let yourself be influenced by your partner, taking their needs and opinions into consideration without feeling like you're weakening your own position or interests in the process.

Your ability to self-validate and self-soothe is absolutely vital to maintaining long term passion in marriage.

Source: Simple Marriage.Net

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Partner Abandonment: More Men Leave When Illness Strikes

Separation And Divorce Far More Common When The Wife Is The Patient

ScienceDaily — A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient, according to a study that examined the role gender played in so-called "partner abandonment." The study also found that the longer the marriage the more likely it would remain intact.

The study confirmed earlier research that put the overall divorce or separation rate among cancer patients at 11.6 percent, similar to the population as a whole. However, researchers were surprised by the difference in separation and divorce rates by gender. The rate when the woman was the patient was 20.8 percent compared to 2.9 percent when the man was the patient.

"Female gender was the strongest predictor of separation or divorce in each of the patient groups we studied," said Marc Chamberlain, M.D., a co-corresponding author and director of the neuro-oncology program at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance (SCCA). Chamberlain is also a professor of neurology and neurosurgery at the University of Washington School of Medicine.

The study, "Gender Disparity in the Rate of Partner Abandonment in Patients with Serious Medical Illness," was published in the Nov. 15 issue of the journal Cancer. The other corresponding author is Michael Glanz, M.D., of the Huntsman Cancer Institute at the University of Utah School of Medicine.

Why men leave a sick spouse can be partly explained by their lack of ability, compared to women, to make more rapid commitments to being caregivers to a sick partner and women's better ability to assume the burdens of maintaining a home and family, the study authors said.

Researchers at three medical centers -- the SCCA, Huntsman and Stanford University School of Medicine -- enrolled a total of 515 patients in 2001 and 2002 and followed them until February 2006. The men and women were in three diagnostic groups: those with a malignant primary brain tumor (214 patients), those with a solid tumor with no central nervous system involvement (193 patients) and those with multiple sclerosis (108 patients). Almost half of the patients were women.

Chamberlain said the study was initiated because doctors noticed that in their neuro-oncology practices, divorce occurred almost exclusively when the wife was the patient. The researchers enrolled groups of patients with other cancers and with multiple sclerosis to separate the impact of oncologic versus neurological disease. The results showed a stronger gender disparity for divorce when the wife was the patient in the general oncology and multiple sclerosis groups (93 percent and 96 percent respectively, compared to 78 percent for the primary brain tumor group).

The study also found correlations between age and length of marriage and the likelihood of divorce or separation. The older the woman was the more likely her partnership would end. However, longer marriages remained more stable.

Researchers also measured some health and quality of life outcomes among the patients who separated or divorced. They found that patients used more antidepressants, participated less in clinical trials, had more frequent hospitalizations, were less likely to complete radiation therapy and more likely not to die at home, according to the study.

"We believe that our findings apply generally to patients with life-altering medical illness," the authors wrote. "We recommend that medical providers be especially sensitive to early suggestions of marital discord in couples affected by the occurrence of a serious medical illness, especially when the woman is the affected spouse and it occurs early in the marriage. Early identification and psychosocial intervention might reduce the frequency of divorce and separation, and in turn improve quality of life and quality of care."

Adapted from materials provided by Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, via EurekAlert!, a service of AAAS.

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Marriage Tips: Putting the Braks on Those Arguments!

As you go through life and learn the various tasks involved in growing up, perhaps one of the most anticipated task in life is learning to drive. Do you remember how much you looked forward to the freedom driving would afford you? I do.

While learning to drive, one important lesson you must learn is how to stop the car. It's the first thing you're taught. There are even cars you drive while learning that have an extra brake pedal on the passenger's side. The reason - learning to apply the brakes is vitally important to all those in the car, and around the car.

Putting on the brakes is an important skill in marriage and relationships as well.

When your conversation starts off on the wrong foot or you find you're both in a cycle of blame and defensiveness, you can often prevent a disaster if you know how to stop. Marriage researcher John Gottman calls these brakes - repair attempts. And they're the secret weapon of happy couples.

Marriages that are built on and sustain a good marital friendship are not devoid of arguing and disagreements. In fact, 69% of the problems in marriage are perpetual. Repair attempts, when used well is the secret weapon that prevents quarrels from getting out of hand.

There are two key factors in determining whether repair attempts are successful:

The current state of the relationship.

The ability of the attempt to get through to your partner.

Let me give you an example.

Bob and Susan are in a heated discussion about an upcoming family move. They see eye to eye on where they want to live, how to set up the house (mostly), and where to put the kids in school. They are drawing the battle lines over the set up of the family room. Susan thinks they should use their current TV and stereo system while Bob wants to jump at the chance of upgrading to the system he's had his eye on for some time now. It's not extravagant and they have the money from the sale of their current home. The more they talk, the louder it gets.

A passer-by, if they overheard the argument, may think they have no hope of a lasting marriage. Then all of the sudden, Susan puts her hands on her hips in perfect imitation of their 4 year old daughter, and proceeds to stick out her tongue.

Since Bob knows she's about to do this, he beats her to it by sticking out his tongue first. They both start laughing. This silliness defuses the tension between them.

Repair attempts are any statement or action - silly or otherwise - that prevents negativity from spiraling out of control.

When a couple has a solid foundation together and a good friendship with each other, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly receiving those sent their way. If a couple is negatively locked down with each other, even a blatant repair attempt of "Hey, I'm sorry" will have trouble getting through.

What determines the success of repair attempts is the strength of the marital friendship.

Everyone has room to grow and improve when it comes to strengthening the state of the marital friendship. This is not as easy as simply being "friendly" or "nice." It involves your own personal growth and emotional maturity, as well as your spouse's (although they're responsible for themselves in this area).

You can begin by learning to recognize the repair attempts as they happen between you. Sometimes these attempts are missed because they don't come sugarcoated. A heated "Why are you changing the subject" or "Can't we discuss this later" is still a repair attempt and is often overlooked.

One of the best strategies to begin with is to make your attempts obvious and formal. Statements like "this is getting out of hand, can we discuss this later" or "can I take that last statement back, I'm sorry" can go a long way in smoothing the waters between you. You could even go as obvious as "Hey, what follows is a repair attempt."

If you're on the receiving end of a repair attempt, your job is to simply try and accept it. Confront you own anxieties and tension from the discussion and plan to come together to discuss more at a later time.

Source: Simple Marriage.Net

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Marriage Tips: How To Say You Are Sorry So It Means Something!

The words "I'm sorry, I apologize, and Forgive me" are so easily said that they've lost their meaning. Ever get an apology that left you wondering whether or not the person apologizing had a clue about what hurt your feelings? Or maybe you were shaking your head, thinking, "I see your lips moving, but I don't believe what you're saying."
And if you were the one giving the apology, did you ever walk away thinking, "I don't know why I bother to say I'm sorry - you don't believe me anyway!"

Both people might think, Well, I'm glad we went through the motions, but I don't think that that "I'm sorry" or "Please forgive me" changes anything.

So what's the difference between the same old same old, "I'm sorry, I apologize, or Forgive Me" and a genuine apology?

In the real deal, both the offended and the offender walk away feeling

heard and validated,

accountable and responsible,

competent and confident.

In a genuine apology, the words take on new meaning as they are lived, more than spoken.

Here's the 5 steps to the real deal, a genuine apology.

Describe the event (WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE)

Yesterday when we were in the car (where), you (who) were telling me how you handled a situation at work (what) . . .
Tell what you did and describe the action
. . . and I said, in a sarcastic manner (how I acted) that I thought the way you handled the situation was stupid (what I did). I want you to know that I was rude to use such a harsh word as stupid. It was judgmental of me to think that I knew better how to handle that situation at your work. I think that speaking to you in a sarcastic manner was disrespectful and contemptuous and not the way I want to treat you.

Acknowledge the damage done

I know that it hurt you for me to label your actions as stupid and to speak to you in a sarcastic manner. I know that my thoughtless words reflected a lack of confidence in your abilities and my sarcastic tone was unkind and necessary.

Tell what you wish you had done instead

I wish that I had been more thoughtful and kind and chosen my words more carefully. I wish I had talked about the many school situations you have handled successfully.

Tell what you PLAN to do differently the next time.

The next time you are telling me about something that happens at work, I plan to listen better, ask more questions, and choose my words carefully. I plan to focus on my knowledge of your strengths. And I commit to you my intent to speak to you in a manner that reflects how much I care for you and about our relationship.

When you're the offender, you hold yourself accountable for your actions by responsibly describing the event and your offensive actions, and you validate that you understand the hurt those actions caused. You then demonstrate yourcompetence by letting your partner know that you thought about what would have worked better in that situation. And you build confidence that you mean it when you lay out a plan do what you wish you had done the next time the same thing happens.

Your partner gets to hear an objective description of the event and the offense - (WWWWH - Who, What, When, Where, and How)- validation of the hurt felt, along with your thinking about what might have worked. You inspire confidence in a different future outcome in both your partner and, just as important, in yourself by creating a plan of action.

You need to be responsible for you and your partner need to be responsible for him.

You do not need to plead for your partner to restore your sense of self by either asking (begging) for forgiveness or to accept your apology. You are forgiving yourself by holding yourself accountable to your partner while taking full responsibility for your actions, and committing to act differently.

Your partner does not sacrifice himself by accepting an apology that is incomplete, insincere, or without a commitment to future change (true repentance). Your partner can accept the apology, or not, or he can state what is still missing. They have the option to wait and see. They don't have to fold because you apologized and you don't have to wilt in exile until they accept.

The real deal respects and enhances the integrity of you and your partner. A genuine apology is heavy lifting in going deep into taking your shape - and becoming the best partner you can be, regardless of what your partner does or does not do.

Editor's Note: This lesson is from Mary Ann Crossno at Simple Marriage.Net

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Marriage: 5 Steps for Confronting Marriage Infidelity

Confronting marriage infidelity can be a difficult task to do. A lot of mixed emotions will be running through a persons mind, dealing with obvious emotional pain from it. It's a topic that no one likes to go through, and dealing with its something you'll have to do.

Marriage is a sacred commitment two people make, so a lot of things must be considered. Sometimes there are kids involved, but you have to do whatever is best for yourself in the situation. What is best for yourself will end up being better for everyone in the long-term.

Step 1 - Reflect on what has happened.

Take a little time for yourself to reflect on the affair. Let the emotions out alone. Whether that is frustration, anger, sadness, it's okay to get those emotions out. It's probably better to do it alone first, since you won't be thinking clearly and you'll lack control. Have a good cry alone, or vent to yourself if you'd like.

Try to let out what has happened for now alone, to try to help it sink in more. It will probably take quite awhile to let it all sink in right away. You need to at least come to grips with what has happened first and maintain control before confronting.

Step 2 - Gain composure of yourself.

I think it's a good idea when confronting about infidelity in a marriage, that you first gain your composure to do so. It's okay to let your emotions out, but it's better to come across clear, direct, and to the point. Maybe there are children in the house, and you don't want to cause a huge scene that can boil over and effect them.

It will help make the situation easier for yourself and at least the children involved, if there are children. I realize at this point, you don't really care about making this easier on your husband or wife. Don't sink to their level, and allow their actions to ruin you.

Be the bigger person and be mature in this situation. As hard as that can be, fighting every urge you'll have, you need to display some control and mental toughness in this situation. You can feel weak, vulnerable, and human when you're alone. It really will help you get through this process if you can make that deal with yourself.

Step 3 - Talk to your partner in a silent setting.

I think you need to try not to be over dramatic, so you can at least get answers. I'm not saying you can't display your emotions. I realize it will be impossible not to do this. You shouldn't get into a shouting match, or start calling them names.

When you become too dramatic, your partner just tries to be in total deniability mode, resort to anger themselves and that isn't the best way to get answers. Talk in a silent setting, and bring it up directly to them.

Step 4 - Express what they did.

If they still deny it, then explain your how you know. Explain what they've done to you, how you found out and how you feel. Maintain control, along with strength when discussing this. It's better not to break down hysterically and start crying, or start shouting angrily at them. You can show emotion, but maintain control is what you need. Don't lose that control. Have a clear voice, so your partner realizes you aren't confused or unsure of yourself. Express how they've made you feel, so it can sink in for them as well.

Step 5 - Give them a chance to explain.

A lot of people make the mistake of completely shutting out their partner from explaining. They get mad, curse at them, and refuse to want to know anymore details. It is important to try to know why this happen. At the very least, you should at least hear them out. You don't owe them anything other than that.

You can hate them, divorce them, but just hear them out first. You might figure what is the point, however, the point isn't for them as it's for you. It does help in getting answers and to understand what lead them to this. Otherwise you can try to not understand, then let a situation like this make you bitter and not trust anyone again. Understanding why it at least happen, can really help someone move on from it. So let them explain, and use your instincts.

Realize your partner could still be lying, still trying to protect their own interests. It's human nature to make excuses, that doesn't mean you can't find things like regret, and maybe a little truth between them lies. They might still lie about specifics for example, but their emotions won't be lies. I realize that doesn't make the situation much better.

It's not about getting the truth in their words, but the truth in who they really are. You'll have to listen to what they say, how they say it, and what they don't say to get that out of them. Sometimes people assume when they're cheated on, they just weren't good enough. That isn't true, it's not always that black and white. Not because I myself have ever done something like that, it's just you should realize everyone has urges. Some just lack control and they don't have their priorities in check.

Some people just take from others, and aren't willing to ever to anyone at all. They just take what they need. That is something no one can fix.

You'll learn in life a lot of people wear disguises to the world. Even in a married life, a partner can not only wear disguises to the world, but to themselves and everyone close to them as well. It helps you understand some peoples motives and traits a little better.

Realize this is not your fault. When someone cheats, it's on them.

In future relationships you might see the possible signs better, if you try to understand why the person would do this. That is not to say there is always definitive answers, because sometimes it's impossible to totally grasp it all entirely. You'll probably never get a true reason why, but at least get an idea how they could do it.

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Source: eHow.com

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Marriage Tips: Four Horsemen of Marriage Apocalypse

How To Spot And Defeat These 4 Marriage Killers
Editor’s Note: This post is adapted from Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.

Dr. John Gottman has conducted years of research and has identified communication styles that predict the end of a marriage relationship, called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in marriage. (If you’re not familiar with Biblical references, the Four Horsemen are a metaphor for conquest, war, hunger, and death associated with the end times.)

In marriage – the four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Contempt is the most lethal of the four. It’s the acid rain on a marriage, withering affection and destroying hope. So for a simple marriage, you simply have to get rid of these – and contempt has to go first.

1. The first destructive horseman in a relationship is criticism.

Understanding the difference between criticizing and complaining is more than semantics, because criticism is the slippery slope that slides into contempt.

Criticisms creep in when complaints are ignored. Criticisms are global attacks on character and worth that target the shortcomings of the other. Complaints are objective statements of unmet needs. An effective complaint is one that:

Starts softly, with a request for help - I need your help.

Observes an action or behavior - When there are stacks of mail on the kitchen table and counters.

States the impact of that action or behavior - I react badly to the clutter.

Defines the desired change in behavior - I’d like to keep the kitchen table and counters clear.

Asks for input as to how to achieve the outcome - What are you willing to do to help have a less cluttered kitchen and a calmer me?

2. The second horseman is contempt.

Contempt is intentionally abusing your spouse – verbally, emotionally, and psychologically. Contempt expresses the complete absence of any admiration and is delivered with insults, name-calling, hostile humor, mockery, and body language. Contempt is toxic and its presence is an indication of a disintegrating marriage. It must be eliminated.

If criticism and contempt are a regular part of your relational style, think about counseling to help you take a different shape. These two horsemen grew up in childhood wounds such as parental criticism, shaming, belittling or excessive demands.

3. The third horseman is defensiveness.

It’s a natural reaction to being criticized or treated contemptuously. It’s also a way of sidestepping responsibility. If we are ignoring complaints, failing to contribute creative solutions, those complaints are likely to become criticisms which we naturally want to defend against.

Remember the mantra: Don’t attack. Don’t defend. Don’t Withdraw.

Marriage is supposed to be for better or worse. Stay present, especially when the going gets rough.

4. The fourth horseman is stonewalling.

When we stonewall, we avoid the hard work of growing up, either because we are unaware of our own feelings or because we are afraid of conflict.

Rather than dealing directly with the issue or with our partner, we check out by tuning out, turning away, engaging in busyness or obsessive behaviors. We simply stop relating to the most important people in our lives.

Dr. Gottman’s research clearly demonstrates that conflict is not the cause of unhappy marriages – happy and unhappy couples fight about the same things. It’s how conflict is handled that makes the difference between a disaster or master marriage.

Most couples wait for six years – SIX YEARS!!!!! - after they know their relationship is in serious trouble before they seek counseling. Evidence continues to mount that both individual and family therapy save money by cutting health expenditures, reducing employee absenteeism and boosting productivity.
Start where you are in your relationship.

Use the tools you have – blogs, books, therapists, coaches. Do what you can to take responsibility for your part by becoming the best YOU you can be.

To repeat - Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.

If you need anything from us, just let us know.

Want more?

A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.

Check out the Simple Marriage Community.

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Marriage Success: It's All About Growing Up

So what does growing up in marriage actually mean?

Another expression is becoming more emotionally mature. For this post, growing up is not the physical aging of our lives, which happens naturally. The growth I’m writing about is emotional, mental, spiritual, and sexual.

Growing up involves balancing two fundamental life forces: the drive for separateness and the drive for togetherness. Separateness propels us to be on our own, to chart our own course in life, and to create our own identity. Togetherness pushes us to be part of a group, to connect with others, and experience things only relationships can provide.

When these two life forces are expressed in balanced, healthy ways, meaningful relationships are created where both members develop into better people.

Giving up your separateness in order to be together is as defeating in the long run as giving up your relationship in order to maintain your separateness.

Either way, you end up being less of a person with less of a relationship. ~ David Schnarch

Since growing up requires a great deal and can often be confused with other ideas, here’s a few important clarifications:

1. It’s the ability to maintain a solid sense of self when your partner is away or you’re not currently in a primary love relationship.

Growing up values contact but doesn’t fall apart when you’re alone.

2. It doesn’t involve any lack of feelings or emotions.

Growing up means you can evaluate your emotions (and your partner’s) both subjectively and objectively. In other words, you can connect with your partner without fear of being swept up in their emotions. You can have your feelings without them having you because they don’t control or define your sense of self.

3. When people scream “I got to be me!” “I need space!” and “That’s just the way I am!” they are not growing up. In fact, just the opposite.

When you are afraid you’ll disappear in the relationship you do things in order to avoid your partner’s emotional engulfment. This is different than boundary setting, which is an important aspect of growing up. The difference is boundary setting while growing up is done in the context of staying in the relationship (i.e. in close proximity and restricted space). The process of holding onto yourself in the midst of an important relationship is what creates growth.

4. Growing up is solid but permeable.

When you have solid core beliefs and values, you can adapt and change without losing your identity. You can be influenced by others and adjust to new circumstances as the situations warrant. It is important to realize however, this flexible sense of identity develops slowly over time, requires soul-searching deliberation, and is not simply adapting to the wishes of others.

5. Your personal development is not selfish.

You can choose to be guided by your partner’s best interests, even at the price of your own agenda. This is often the price of committed relationships. Your partner is a separate individual – just like you. You can reach a point where what they want for themselves is as important to you as what you want for yourself.

As you reach higher levels of growth, your view of conflict in relationships will dramatically shift. “What I want for myself versus what I want for you” shifts to “What I want for myself versus my wanting for you what you want for yourself.”

When you feel you need to talk your partner out of what he or she wants in order for you to get your way, you lose.

No matter how you slice it – marriage presents endless opportunities to grow up. The choice is yours.

Post written by Corey Allan - Simple Marriage Blog
Adapted from Schnarch, D. Passionate Marriage.

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Happy Marriage Tips: Our Hot Tub Surprise!

A year ago I spoke for a church retreat. The retreat planners gave me a beautiful gift basket of goodies. Inside the gift basket was one of the most unique gifts. It was a gift certificate for a free rental of a hot tub for one week! I couldn't believe it! I didn't even know you could rent a hot tub!

I recently ran across the gift certificate and decided to give them a call and arrange for our week. They delivered it on Sept 21 and they have yet to pick it up! I guess there's no great demand for their rental tub so they must be storing it at our house! But hey, I'm not complaining!

Mark and I have used the hot tub every single night that we've had it. It's been like a balm to my body that often hurts so much from fibromyalgia. We've loved being able to sit outside looking at the stars during cooler weather when we normally wouldn't be able to be outside.

But most of all...we've loved the conversation time.

Our hot tub time has been talk time for Mark and I. It's allowed us time away from kids, computers, and television to debrief from our day, talk about life and ministry, share our thoughts and struggles, and then take a few minutes to talk to God together.

Whenever they decide to pick up this hot tub we'll have to find another conversation place. But until then, we're going to enjoy the stars and our nightly conversation date every night we can!

Every couple needs some talk time everyday. What works for you and your spouse?

Source: ABC's of a Healthy Marriage Blog

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4 Ways To Save Your Marriage When Nothing Seems To Work

Saving a marriage teetering on the brink of divorce can be done, but answering the question “How can I save my marriage?” is more complicated than the Sunday paper advice columns make it seem. You can do everything “right” and still end up hitting a wall. Sound familiar? If so, let me share 4 ways for getting around some of the common sticking points that throw the reconciliation process off the tracks.

1) Decide what you want from your relationship!

There are as many types of marriages as there are married couples and as long they work for the couple and any kids involved, then they work. The problems is a lot of us start wondering “How can I save my marriage?” without knowing exactly what we’re trying to “save” in the first place. After all, it’s not your marriage certificate you’re trying to save, but the relationship the two of you have.

Take some time to think over the type of relationship you want. Once you have a fairly clear vision of your ideal marriage, talk it over with your spouse. Hopefully, your visions will be similar, but if not, at least you’ll be able to see exactly what’s been holding up your negotiations.

2) Be honest about your behavior!

You have heard it all before: don’t criticize, be respectful, listen attentively. You know deep down that’s how you should be talking to each other, but is that really how you’re doing it?

The way we talk to our partners tends to become a reflex over the years, so you’ll really have to pay attention to root out any problems. One good way to get a more objective view is to imagine your spouse were a casual acquaintance. If it’s not polite enough to say to someone you hardly know, then it’s not polite enough to say to your spouse, either!

3) Release the blame!

One of the first steps towards repairing a marriage is letting go of the need to blame the other person for anything.

Let’s face it, keep trying to reach an agreement on whose fault each little problem is and you’ll be going around in circles indefinitely. So long as there are only two people in your marriage, both of you are each 50% responsible for any problems that come up. Even if you’re spouse has been unfaithful, you still need to address anything you might have done that lead to that or, in some cases, lead to your marriage to an incurable swinger.

4) Commit to improving!

Once you’ve managed to get past the blame game stage, the next step in answering the question “How can I save my marriage?”, is making a commitment to treat each other better. It can help to pick certain things you want to work on like nagging less or spending more quality time together.

It’s no good to keep asking yourself, “How can I save my marriage?”, without taking action to get some qualified advice and taking action to improve your relationship as soon as possible. Whether you decide to go in for counseling or find a good self-help book, do something for your marriage today.

I would like to help. Please accept my free ebook: Save Your Marriage, Stop Your Divorce! (click here) No email or signup required. I believe it will get you on the right track.

You may also want to pick up my free ebook: The Magic of Making Up! (click here) Again, no email or signup required.

Jim DeSantis

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Divorce: What To Do About Medical, Life, Homeowners, and Auto Insurance!

Covering the insurance needs of yourself and your children after a divorce must be considered during pre-divorce settlement negotiations with your soon-to-be ex. This is largely a matter for lawyers but you need to think ahead to protect everyone who depends upon you.

Did you know that your life insurance policy could still cover your ex even if you two are divorced and no longer wish to be a part of each other's lives? Life Insurance policies have a lot of fine print when it comes to divorce. You don't want to ignore your life insurance decisions because you may end up paying more than you could ever imagine.

The laws are different for every state. You will want to check out how the laws apply because you may find yourself in the middle of some expensive complications. If you have a good attorney, you should be able to protect yourself.

Life insurance can involve a lot of money. You will want to make sure you know exactly what it is that you are signing. In the case of a pending divorce, you will want to talk to your attorney and your insurance agent right away to arrange to get your spouse off your policy as soon as the papers are filed.

Some states make life insurance policies invalid as soon as the divorce goes through. In other states, you may also need to replace your policy or get a change in the policy. You can take your ex off and place your children or others as the beneficiary. Changing your beneficiary is not difficult and can be done within minutes.

You need to consider who pays the premium. If your husband does, he can stop paying or cash in the policy and leave you with nothing. Life insurance should be a part of the divorce settlement negotiations.

To protect the children, make sure that your divorce states that they are kept as the beneficiary and make sure that your spouse shows proof of it each year. If your spouse allows the policy to lapse, your ex may not have to reinstate it unless ordered by the court.

If you would like your children to benefit financially from your life insurance policy, you will want to open a trust fund and then name the trust as the beneficiary to handle the proceeds. This way your ex will never see any of the money. You can block your children from giving any of the money to your ex by setting up the trust fund and stipulate that they cannot receive any of the money until they are young adults. The normal age of legal maturity for such trusts ranges from 18 to 21.

You also need to think about the medical insurance. In some states you can stay on the medical insurance policy for 36 months after the divorce is final. Each child can be covered until they are adults. You also need to negotiate how medical insurance premiums are to be paid and if paid by you or your spouse or perhaps split between you.

If you get the primary residence in the settlement, you could face some surprises. The things that are covered in your Homeowners Insurance may only be reimbursed to the person named as primary beneficiary on the policy. Therefore, if your spouse has the insurance in their name, then the value of your personal property will not be reimbursed to you if a fire or other damage happens. Your spouse will get the money for everything.

If you are the one moving out, make sure that you take everything that you value and that is permitted in the settlement. You will want to take anything that you would miss if you were unable to recover it.

Finally, you may be faced with getting Health Insurance, Life Insurance, Auto Insurance and Homeowners Insurance on your own so it's a good idea to start researching before divorce papers are filed. We recommend Hometown Quotes - click here.

Want to Save Your Marriage and Stop Your Divorce? Please visit "Gifts from Jim DeSantis" (here) for free ebooks to help in your marriage or relationships! No email required!

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5 Ways To Keep Your Marriage Healthy

Grab my Free eBook - Save Your Marriage, Stop Your Divorce - here!

Advice to keep a marriage healthy can, in some cases, seem a little obvious, but in a lot of cases it can seem like just the advice you need. When you are married or even in a long term live-in relationship, sometimes it's hard to understand what is going wrong, and it takes only the most basic advice to clear the fog of confusion. Try these 5 ways to keep your marriage or relationship healthy.

By the way, if you are not legally married but have lived together for a long time, these tips apply equally to you because, in fact, you have become a "married couple" by intent if not under law.

Advice for a good marriage 1

The best piece of advice is to be honest with yourself about when it is and isn't working. If you kid yourself that everything is fine when it isn't, things are hardly likely to get better. In fact, you will usually notice things getting steadily worse. The sooner you spot and admit to problems, the sooner you can move past them. Half the work is done as soon as you admit something is wrong, so don't be afraid.

Advice for a good marriage 2

Learn to communicate effectively. Too often relationships degenerate into accusations and fighting as the default method of interaction. Can you honestly hope for things to last if that's how you both behave? If you have something under your skin, sit down and talk it out. Talking about things sensibly rarely makes things worse, unlike accusations and arguing!

Advice for a good marriage 3

Understand that you can't fix the problems in your marriage by only fixing your partner's behaviour. A marriage is exactly this: The joining of two people! So it's not healthy to make one person do all the changing and adapting. It's much better to sit and talk it out and then work out how you can both make things better for each other. You'll find it's a lot easier sharing the burdens, as each of you will usually only need to make small adjustments to keep the other happy.

Advice for a good marriage 4

Learn the difference between being in love and falling in love. When you fall in love, the person can do no wrong and people are able to behave in ways that their partner may not necessarily agree with in a normal state of mind. That's why it can take work to stay in love. The love is still there, but you can't expect to act however you please and for it to survive. Love is like a fire, it sometimes needs to be tended to make sure it still burns brightly and warmly.

Advice for a good marriage 5

Understand this principle: You get what you give! So, if you go the extra yard for your partner and prove yourself to be kind, caring and considerate, the chances are they will act a lot more like that toward you too. Think about when you see couples that are really in love, it's rarely only one of them doing the kind things is it?

Hopefully, this advice to keep your marriage healthy will make a positive difference in your life.

Grab my Free eBook - Save Your Marriage, Stop Your Divorce - here!

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"I Love You But I'm Not 'In Love' With You"

Did your spouse tell you, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you?”

A person who says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,” is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love!

What does that statement mean?

When a person says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,” they’re saying that I CARE about you but I’m not EXCITED about you. CARING about someone is a good thing. It’s reflective of CONCERN. But it’s different than love. I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don’t love them.

Being EXCITED about someone is also a good thing. But it’s different than love. I might be excited to have a relationship with the President of the United States or a Hollywood star, but that doesn’t mean I love them.

While someone who says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” seems to be making a distinction between “different loves;” in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that’s why they’re having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?).

Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It’s not a feeling you get from another PERSON; it’s an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person. And, those deeds are not a secret. In other words, love is NOT a mystery! There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable—you can “make” love.

Very often in my private coaching sessions, someone will say to me, “I love my spouse, but I’m not IN LOVE with my spouse.” My immediate response is to ask, “Can you list for me 5 ways in the last week that you’ve DEMONSTRATED your love for your spouse?” I usually hear noise on the other end of the phone; grunts, partial statements, and gasps for breath, but none of what I hear ever passes for an answer to my question.

“I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whomever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.” Of course, this is all fine and good, but it’s really your spouse who needs to hear this, right?

Getting your spouse from “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” to “Okay, let’s give this another chance” is a tricky task. If this is your situation, it’s crucial you handle it strategically. One false step and your marriage could be over. If you take the right steps, you can draw your spouse back in and begin to restore your marriage TOGETHER. How do you do that?

Learn more about the Marriage Fitness system of relationship renewal by subscribing to my FREE report, “7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage” and getting a FREE marriage assessment. Click here to subscribe. It’s FREE.

Warm regards,
Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach
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Ed. note: Just suffered a breakup? Don't give up just yet. Grab my free ebook below. Click the cover and look for "Magic of Making Up!" in the sidebar.

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5 Simple Ways Connect With Your Husband

P.S. - Free eBook - Magic of Making Up! - here!

Have you ever rolled over in the morning and not known the man lying next to you? I’m not referring to that time back in college - I’m talking about the present. After years of marriage, you may start to feel like your husband is a stranger. Or is it that you feel he’s getting stranger? Either way, here are 5 simple ways to stay connected to your husband.

1. Cook a meal together.

Whether it’s breakfast or dinner it doesn’t matter, as long as you’re spending time together. How about getting up early Sunday morning and making a big old-fashioned Sunday breakfast for you and the kids? Or sending the kids to a sitter and preparing a nice romantic dinner together?

You’ll save money fixing the meal at home rather than dining out. Plus, you won’t have to get “all dolled up” (unless you want to). Most importantly, you’ll be using teamwork, which is the number one priority for any marriage.

2. Take on a project and get dirty!

Tackle a big and messy job on your list - cleaning out the garage, pulling up shrubs in the yard, organizing the attic. Make an afternoon of it and do it together! You’ll both feel a great sense of accomplishment that the job is finally done and it’ll feel great to know that you got it done by operating as a unit.

Now that you’ve worked up a sweat, why not draw a bath for two?

3. Spend a lazy afternoon going through old photos and reminiscing.

Talk about the activities you used to do when you first started dating and make a plan to start doing them again. You might not be able to do them all, but make the effort to do as many of them as you can, whether it is taking long walks, going to concerts, or making out at the movies.

4. Play hooky!

Plan a day where you can each stay home from work and spend the whole day home - alone - together - doing absolutely nothing! Lay in bed all day, cuddle, and watch movies. Make sure to turn the ringer off on the phone.

5. Make an effort on a daily basis to stay connected to your husband.

Listen, ask questions - be his partner in all aspects of your life. Something as simple as making it a point to say, “How was your day, Honey?” every day when he gets home and listening to his response can make all the difference.

The most important thing to remember is that you are not in your marriage by yourself. Share your concerns with your husband if you’re not feeling quite as close as you once did. Let him know how you feel, how it makes you feel and that you want to work on it.

Chances are your husband will be clueless, but once he realizes you’re genuinely concerned, he’ll jump right in and make more of an effort. Guaranteed!

If you need some help with your relationship, grab my free ebook:
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Free eBook: You Can Get Your Ex Back!

Is your relationship is on the verge of breakup? Have you split with your love? Grab my Free and very Special Report on "How to Get Your Ex Back." I put this 27 page ebook together just for my readers who may be suffering from a broken relationship or who are about to split. Just click the ebook cover and it's yours. No email or signup required.

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Divorce: Turn to God

When your heart is broken, you can use your faith to give you strength to help you reconnect to a power greater than you to get you through. If you are considering divorce right now, you may find your faith gone, but it is not. Yes, you are hurting, you are trying to cope with it the best you can. There is still hope.

A divorce is seen as a sin most religions. It's hard to fall back on religion went they persecute you, however, there are ways that you can use your faith to help you through something as difficult as a divorce.

Faith is what grounds us. Faith is what says what's wrong and what's right.

The first thing that you should keep in mind is what is known as the "Law of acceptance."

With your faith you are able to accept everything that life throws at you. Things we cannot control do happen. We survive them because of a divine spirit that is guiding us through life and giving us strength. Some people believe that it is God's "will." Other's argue that God's "will" is never to inflict pain on His children.

There is also the "Law of surrender" that states: The minute you give into your faith and depend upon God, you will find that your faith will lead you into better opportunities and it will change your entire life. When you surrender your heart to God, He helps you back to your feet and will show you the best way to fix everything wrong in your life.

Then there is "Divine guidance." This type of faith is presented in a poem known as Footprints. During the poem a man finds that when times are good, then there are two sets of footprints. During the rough times, there is only one. The man asks God one day why He leaves when times get hard. God speaks and says that when he only saw one set of footprints it was because God was carrying him. Divine guidance is when god does what you cannot. If you feel that you cannot live another day. God helps you through it. If you feel that you just cannot go on because your marriage is crumbling, God will be there to give you strength as long as you accept His guidance and act upon it.

God is so different for many people. However, to Christians, God is a spirit that oversees our lives and he gives us hope, love, and guidance. We are whom he created in hopes of making a better world, a world that once never existed. God is a merciful God. He does not punish those that repent.

Now many people believe that a divorce is a sin against God that cannot be forgiven, however, it is not God that judges, but those around us. In the Bible, it says that you need to learn how to forgive your fellow man. When you forgive, you are able to open your heart up to the world and to God. God forgives because we are his creation and he wants everyone to find his or her happiness.

God gave everyone free will. Why? God wants everyone to choose him. Whatever you do, if you choose God, He will forgive you for your sins and he will help you, even through your divorce if it comes to that sad conclusion.

This is the one thing that you can be guaranteed: God is always with you, no matter what you do, He is there to give you the strength to go on.

Jim DeSantis is editor of Marriage Matters and a retired Pastoral Counselor. Jim recommends the ebook:

Save Your Christian Marriage - here.

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Save Your Marriage...Stop Your Divorce!

Here is an excellent ebook dealing with the tough issue of How To Save a Marriage and Stop a Divorce! It's complied from experts in the field of Marriage Counseling. This is no amatuer ebook like those we find all over the web today. This has great tips and resources if you really want to Save Your Marriage or learn how to have a Better Marriage!

No email or signup required, of course. It downloads from my personal hosting account. You will need Adobe Reader. You likely already have it on your computer. Try downloading the ebook first. If it will not download, get Adobe Reader for free Here!

Now...click the banner and use the information for a great marriage!

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Supporting Your Spouse

One of the fastest ways to reduce trust with your spouse is to badmouth them to others, i.e. friends, associates, co-workers, or, worse, to your parents or other members of your family.

If this gets back to your spouse (which it inevitably will), or even worse, if you do it in front of them, this will reduce and possibly trust in your relationship.

Another version of this is failing to defend your spouse when another criticizes them. For example, let's say your parents start to criticize your spouse. You have to, at that point, stick up for your spouse. To not do so is to start down a slippery slope. When you said "I do" you agreed to create a team with that person, and you have to defend that person, even if it's your parents giving them a bad rap. If you don't, it will begin to drive a wedge between your spouse and your parents.

You have to think of you and your husband or wife as a team. You are working together to create a good measure of survival for the both of you, your kids, and everyone related to the family.

So how do you work well with members of a team? Well, you have to be supportive and positive. This means to consider, think about, and communicate about that person's best qualities. You want to build them up and make them feel good about themselves.

This doesn't mean to lie to them and tell them how great they are at something when they aren't really. And I'm not talking about fake "self-esteem" where you make someone feel great about themselves without any consideration of actual achievement. What I'm saying is that you are supportive of your spouse and make them feel good about the person they are and about the things that they are good at. Protect and defend them against attack. And they'll do the same for you. That's a real team.

Stan Dubin Sun, 08 Jun 2008

Source: Marriage Success.com

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New Studies On Living The Single Life

The Singleton Trend

More people are choosing the single life over marriage. But some new research is showing that men and women may have different reasons. I found it interesting that these two news articles crossed my path on the same day.

Scared Men
Bachelor Carl Weisman just released his book, So Why Have You Never Been Married, where he shared data from a survey of 1,500 heterosexual men.

He concluded that most men were not afraid of marriage—but they were afraid of a bad marriage.

"Men are 10 times more scared of marrying the wrong person than of never getting married at all," Weisman told Reuters in a telephone interview.

"This is the first generation of people who have grown up with bad divorces. People assume there is something wrong if you don't marry but these are men who have made a different choice and not given in to social pressures."

Weisman said U.S. figures showed that in 1980 about 6 percent of men aged in their early 40s had never married but this number had now risen to 17 percent.

Satisfied Women
A recent British study finds that one in 12 women between 25 and 44 live alone, doubling the number who did so two decades ago.

The independent woman has been dubbed the Freemale because she prefers her freedom to the demands of a family.

A combination of work, a busy social life and gym workouts or sports activities, means that many feel they have little time to share with a love interest.

Paula Hall, a relationship psychotherapist with Relate, said many women had become cynical about how viable long-term relationships actually are.

"If you're busy and fulfilled with lots of close friends, then relationships may seem a bit irrelevant, emotionally high-risk and a lot of hard work," she said.

Scott Williams

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Source: Family Life Culture Watch.

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How To Catch An Unfaithful Mate In This Digital Age

As a retired TV newsman, I am constantly amazed at how much easier it is to communicate with people these days. There are high-speed Internet connections (wireless & otherwise), Cellphones, texting, BlueTooth, Blackberry's, and the list goes on.

We can talk at the touch of a button, across cities, countries, the entire world. It all makes for cheating on a mate even easier than ever. But there are ways to find the truth.

Using these digital protocols to be unfaithful is almost instant, fairly cheap and, most important to the cheater, completely private and hidden. Or, so they think.

Advancements in digital communication are, on the whole, a great thing when used to improve our daily lives. On the downside, cheating husbands, wives (or, for that matter, girlfriends or boyfriends) can communicate with their private lovers away from the prying eyes and ears of their trusting partners. It happens every minute of every day across the world. Digital technology knows no national borders. Thousands upon thousands of text messages are sent by disloyal men and women to those they’re sleeping with out of the sight of their partners.

In my day, the only way a guy or girl could arrange a clandestine meeting would be over a hard-line (either a house phone or a pay phone). The cheater was forced to make risky calls from the home of their unsuspecting spouses, or secretly take a trip to a nearby pay phone and do it from there. Both of these methods of communication could often be spotted by the betrayed party quite easily.

Fast forward to now. It’s now a cinch for a cheater to send messages to their secret lovers from work, a locked bathroom, even from under the bed covers while their current, faithful partner sleeps quietly, and, 100% unaware of what’s going on just 6 inches away from them.

It’s true; things are easier for cheaters these days…but not totally easy. Just as all others kinds of cheats – be it a card shark, a con man or a computer hacker – leave signs of their dishonesty behind, so do disloyal partners. And looking for the right signs, in the right places, is the absolute best way of knowing for sure if you can trust your partner.

You know now how easy it is for cheaters to communicate with their secret partners using digital communication but what are the signs, the indications, the clues of this kind of activity so you can be sure? This is risky business that demands absolute proof, not innuendo or paranoia on your part. Before you begin, you must ask yourself if you are really ready to know the truth and ready to handle the heart break. Or, are you willing to do what I recommend, that is, do everything in your power to save your relationship. This is tough stuff. It will take patience and the ability to keep emotions under control.

With that caution, let’s take a look at some quick tips:

1. Computers offer cheaters a multitude of communication methods, including: email, instant messenger programs, chat rooms and forums. Although it can be difficult to tell what your partner is doing on line, without actually looking over their shoulder (not a good idea!), there are indications you can look for more that keep your investigation hidden.

Does your mate spend an increased amount of time at the computer for no apparent reason, perhaps when you’re in bed or before you get up? Is your partner quickly turning off the computer monitor or turning it away from you when you enter the room?

Also, try checking the Internet browsing history on the computer your partner uses most often. Sometimes there are web pages, chat room locations or other tracks that will reveal if your partner has been taking part in Internet infidelity. At times, you may find that the browser history has been freshly deleted – this, as you can imagine, is equally suspicious.

There is also software programs you can buy and load on to the computer that will track Internet activity. Many parents find such software to be an effective tool to keep track of their child's Internet activity and they work under the radar.

2. As mentioned earlier, mobile/cellular phones make quick and private communication easy. If you feel comfortable doing so, checking your partner’s phone’s call history. Their address book and text message archive can provide you with a wealth of telling information. Bear in mind, though, that cheating partner’s – in an effort to remain unfaithful – often keep their phones on their person most of the time. If your partner used to leave their phone lying around, but now never seems to do so, you must ask yourself why.

3. Last but not least, don’t forget or ignore the “old” style methods of cheater communication. Many cheaters still use house phones to call their secret lovers. Check your itemized phone bill for calls to local numbers you don’t recognize and that are not in your phone book. Also, pay attention to how your partner reacts when you walk into the room when they’re on the phone. It’s difficult to mask panic and surprise when the partner you’re cheating on walks into the room while you’re chatting to your secret significant other. Quick hang-ups could be a sign your partner’s being disloyal over the phone and, perhaps, elsewhere.

By keeping your eyes peeled and ears open, you can exploit the advantages these new methods of communication offer cheaters and, hopefully, discover what’s really going on.

Jim DeSantis provides a Free 11-page Report with more tips on How To Catch A Cheating Mate at Gifts from Jim DeSantis. It's an instant download. No email is required to get it.

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Rules Enforcement at Home - The United Parental Front

Every successful marriage has a number of factors in common. When it comes to raising children, there is one primary factor - the United Parental Front. While you may worry that setting strict rules of conduct in your family may distance you from your children, studies prove you are worrying needlessly.

Though they may gripe and complain and get upset when you become the enforcer, they realize deep down that this shows you love them enough to care about their behavior. Believe it or not, you and your mate are their role models, not the latest music or movie star. The rules of conduct you set and enforce, if reasonable, make your child feel loved, safe, and secure.

It’s never easy developing and introducing rules. Many busy parents avoid setting rules because they already have enough stress at work and they just cannot handle more at home. Confrontation and unpleasantness bring additional stress which can make for screaming matches, not only between parent and child but also between parents who are not in agreement about child discipline.

Take heart. The uncomfortable stuff isn't necessarily a reflection on your relationship with your child, it's just the nature of adolescence — breaking rules and pushing limits is a part of growing up. Make no mistake, you cannot be your child’s best friend because, when you are laying down the law, it's an impossible position to be in. Friends don't ordinarily discipline friends, do they? No, your primary role is to protect, nurture and provide for your children and this includes you and your mate standing tough together.

Children will try to divide and conquer to avoid punishment. They will try to manipulate one parent against another, even resorting to lies and exaggeration. You and your mate need to agree in front of your children even if you disagree in private. Your children cannot know where you are vulnerable. They will play to your weakness.

When your kids break the rules, be careful to not overreact with harsh, disproportionate and unenforceable punishment, which undermines the effectiveness of setting rules. Instead, when you first tell your child about a new rule, discuss the consequences of breaking that rule — what the punishment will be and how it will be carried out.

Consequences must go hand in hand with limits so that your child knows what the cost of breaking the rules will be. The punishment you set should be reasonable and equal to the violation. For example, if you catch your son and his friends smoking, you might "ground" him by restricting his social activities for two weeks. It's also extremely important that you consistently enforce the rules you have laid down. You cannot allow any infraction to pass unpunished.

When we have our grand kids for the day, they know our rules and the result of breaking them. They know that "good girls get to do fun things and bad girls go right home to their parents.”

Once, they were arguing in the back seat as we were headed to the Zoo for the day. I simply said - "Girls, apologize to each other or I'm taking you right home." They refused and I turned the car around and headed for their home. They whined, crossed arms in protest, yet, another mile down the road they apologized to each other. They knew that grandpa and grandma were not going to tolerate bad behavior. I turned the car around and we had a great time for the rest of the day at the Zoo. It does work.

My wife thought I was being a bit too tough but she supported me 100% and we got the expected good results. We had two happy and well-behaved girls for the rest of the day.

I could have still taken them home. They broke a rule. But, rewards for good behavior must also be a part of your rules. When they are good, give them something good. Don't have the attitude that good behavior is something that is expected and does not deserve some kind of tangible benefit. That is unreasonable. The girls learned that by quickly apologizing they were rewarded.

Punishments should only involve penalties you discussed with your children in advance. Never make empty threats. Always carry out the punishment that fits the infraction.

It's understandable that you'll be angry when house rules are broken, and sharing your feelings of anger, disappointment, or sadness can have a powerfully motivating effect on your child. Anger, however, is a negative motivation and is not good parenting.

Since we're all more inclined to say things we don't mean when we're upset, it’s sometimes best to give ourselves a time-out period to cool off before we say something we don’t mean. Children are quick to adopt our behavior so hold your temper. Have a firm, calm, demeanor as you enforce the rules. Above all, keep to the rules-punishment-reward equation. Never allow them to escape whatever punishment that fits the infraction and reward them when they do something right that they used to do wrong.

To make the ground rules crystal clear to your child, discuss them in some detail as if you were talking to another adult. Kids aren't stupid. They have a greater level of understanding than you might believe.

While it’s imperative that you are consistent and follow through with a defined disciplinary action after each infraction, it's equally important that your child thoroughly understands the reasons why. This understanding comes from taking the time to explain everything in detail. Saying - "Because I said so!" just doesn't cut it. Your kids need more from you than that. That's simply lazy parenting. They need more from you than dictatorial statements.

If you and your mate are not presenting a United Parental Front, I guarantee your children will become more and more uncontrollable. The earlier you can nip bad behavior in the bud, the better for every member of the family unit, especially, you!

Yours for success.
Jim DeSantis

Parenting Favorites:

Stop the Bully!

Curb Your Kid

Train Children to be Leaders. Biblical perspective.

Parenting Teenagers 101!

Parent Montessori Guide!

The Parenting Toolbox. Huge site!
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